Goodbye to my Thea

My aunt dies this week.  She was elderly and had told her grandaughter months ago that she was ready to go whenever the Lord called her.  Well, this week she was called. 

My Regrets:
Everytime I saw my aunt in the last few years she would ask me to come over to her house to visit.  I was too busy, but even more, I couldn't picture myself  just showing up at her house.  Now it is too late to make a visit.

My Fears:
My uncle whose age nears the century mark is now alone.  He has a daughter who will be staying with him and taking care of him, but his partner of 63 years is gone.  Statistics show that many times a left spouse will pass away within months of their spouse dying.  I fear my uncle dying soon.

My Surprise:
I found out from reading the obituary that my cousins have a step sister that I never knew about.  How was that kept such a secret from me?  

My Joy: 
In the busy culture that we live in, we don't take time out.  Reunions might be set, but some will not take the time or money to set apart that time for family. But when a loved one dies, most will make a diligent effort to return home out of respect if nothing less.  Seeing cousins from different branches of the family and having the time to visit with them gives me joy.

May my thea's memory be eternal.

Knowing What to Do

I was in a quandry earlier this week. There was something I wanted to do, but felt a reservation about doing it. I fretted for more than a day waffling between doing this and not doing this. I thought about the possible consequences pro and con about it and I thought about what I might miss out on if I didn't do it. ( I tend to over think things *sigh*) "What shall I do? What shall I do?" I repeated several times over the course of a few hours.

"You know what to do" was the inaudible voice in my being.

"But that doesn't help me, " I argued. "I don't know what to do--I want to do this but I don't know if I should right now!"

"You know what to do." The feeling persisted.

I decided that the time was not right for what I wanted to do and that I would pass for now, regardless of any missed opportunity.

And a peace fell over me. The anxiousness rolled away. All is good.

I guess I reallly did know what to do.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~Philipians 4:7

Alone

We enter this world alone and we exit it alone.

I do not like being alone. Is that the fear I feel when I go somewhere? The fear of aloneness even within the midst of a crowd of people?

Maybe we are not alone. Maybe we always have God with us. Maybe as we enter the world God is with us—guiding us and protecting us. Maybe as we exit the world God is with us comforting us ready to welcome us home.

Did Dad have God with him when he left this life? Was he scared? Did he know there were loved ones –his brothers and his wife there? Did he think of his daughters at all in his last moments? His daughters who impotently sat 8000 miles away without the means to know what he was going through. Were his last breaths full of struggling thoughts, peaceful ones or devoid of thoughts at all.

Did Mom have God with her as she slipped out of this life? Were there any thoughts surrounding her as she lay in the coma? Did she know that she was going to die as she lay in the hospital bed unable to put her thoughts and words together?

Where are my parents now? Are they together? Are they singing with the angels along with the chorus filled with other loved ones? Or, ban the thought, are one or both gone for eternity.

These are the thoughts that rumble through my mind and dwell as I spend time alone.